A random conversation regarding my blog lead to the statement, “so are you going to blog about my slot cars”? Which to be fair is not an unreasonable question at all. The problem is that perhaps the person asking the question, Simon (see previous blog about James Blunt of crystallography) was not aware how my blogging has somewhat changed over the past year. Apart from the significant absence of nice things to say about anything, the increased use of profanities in my posts and the general quantity of bile and venom per post my blog is still the same, I guess. I mean if I saw some puppies playing with an otter and a erm fuck it something nice then I’d manage to turn it into a post about the dangers of tiny dogs eating your toys and or how puppies have mad razor sharp teeth. Just like cats which are evil and eat your lips when your dead!
So I started writing this blog with somewhat a greater level of trepidation than usual. Firstly I had the privilege of being asked to someone’s home and you can’t be nasty about that. Which to be honest I can’t. Their home is really nice high ceilings massive amounts of space, grass in the garden and a garage door which opens and closes as if by magic. Then there was the drive over. I was somewhat punch drunk from sleep deprivation but it was brilliant. I got to sit in the front and see the things out of the window. The most effort I needed was to hold a water bottle. Brilliant. But to be fair I had just had all the skin burnt off my ass and legs by sitting on the black leather seats which had been slowly accumulating solar heat all day. Why can’t we harness this heat for good not the torture of English men?
The drive was really good we went up the hill and got to see some great views then down the hill and got to see some battleships, no really fucking an armada of battleships. If I was the locals I would so build a giant partition across the bay and put equal numbers of ships on each side and then play monster battle ship! Of course you’d have to ban google maps as that would just be cheating.
So after the drive got to see some peoples houses, jealous, very nice. Then we got to see some horses and feed them. Yes feed them! With carrots and that was good. Especially the cool little mustang which had a blue thing tied to its tail and a bar code on its neck. From there Simon and I had a gentle stroll to a pizza place down idyllic speckle shaded paths which gorges sunshine then pizza, juice and beer.
If this is sounding a bit sycophantic for my normal blog and like a day out with daddy….. We went for a drive, and then, we played with horses and then we had pizza and then daddy let me stay up until after Ten! Well I know but it was very much like that…very cool
So where is the rub, there always is in these blogs? The answer is in the 45 feet of “slot car” or Scalextric track sat permanently assembled in their dinning room. Yes 45 ft and yes very, very cool. But no way near as cool as the very, very nice collection of cars in the boxes in the cupboards on the tops in the other boxes. Even the mono case was so cool. So that is the problem. I was too tired really to appreciate it that night - thank god as I would have been messing with it for hours. I had to force myself not to want to. Then the next morning like an evil drug dealer Simon cut me a free score of unrestricted track. Yes track-cocaine and then I got to play with two different cars. Damn it! I nearly made it out of the house but too late. It is lucky that I have a loving caring fiancée who knows that if I had said track with cars then my OCD would kick-in and I would spend days not eating or moving just trying to get a perfect lap. Also I am lucky as my OCD is nicely balanced against my laziness so in most cases such as that morning the need to get up and put the car back on the track every time I crashed it - which was a lot prevented a full scale meltdown. I can already see where Simon has gone wrong with his cars. He has failed to glue Christine’s mobile phone to the roof of one of his cars to follow round another so that he could get a “cars eye view”.
Christine - "Simon have you seen my new phone" Simon - "No, no not at all perhaps it is at work or in the car"?
So in short, I am not a ruined man for my one night in Vacaville. It was great. Spoilt with kindness but it could have gone o’so wrongly. Thank the lord for sloth and tiredness the killers of OCD.