When it came to buying a new laptop a few years ago I decided to use the Clarkson school of purchasing which in essence is POWER. So I did my research and looked for machines with the best processor the biggest disks and the fastest graphic cards. Yea cards count them 1 2. I completely ignored my fiancee who said it was too heavy as it weighed more than her or a baby elephant, IN NOW WAY RELATED. Which It did but I am a man and power was the mantra. I also made sure that it categorically did not have windows on it. It is not a house for god sake.

Ok my laptop arrived and 4 weeks later than planned and as usual there was a new one with faster processors and better graphic cards but i had my baby elephant. The irony of it being made by Rock who was owned by Stone building a laptop which distorts light due to its own gravitational field wasn’t lost on me or anyone else who’s watch had been ripped from their wrist.

Now I’ve made another transatlantic trip not two mention taken it to work everyday for over a year and have realised that perhaps it is too big!

As I am a Clarksonist and a bikerist on the weekend this is blasphemous. The driving force must not have been to obey the  rule of Clarkson but to try and make up for some other inadequacy in my life. And on further examination it must be due to my tiny penis - or inadequately sized man vegetable - as it sounds less rubbish. If this is the case then does it also explain why Clarkson, Hammond and May also enjoy the mantra of power. Clarkson more than most.

Have I replaced my straight six turbo super intercooled charger with a quad core 8Gb twin cam 1.5Tb baby elephant. Which has replaced the car for a laptop and the classic symbol for the penis extension?

This also lead to the realisation that this could explain my hatred of public bathrooms without stalls in them.

Now I could be happy with the knowledge me Hammand, May and especially Clarkson had tiny weeners as so does the gorilla the most powerful primate and apparently this is because they are at the top of the evolutionary chain. There is no need to wave around a “big piece” as evolution has given them a larger brain bigger teeth and a better social structure. So that makes sense we as pinnacles of excellence and my superior brain is my genetic marker which offsets the need for a long slong. But now my memory is fading my brain is buggered. So my car must get bigger, along with my RAM larger, to keep any deficit in balance.

The other problem with being a man is how do you know your man hood is actually any different from anyone else? Porn is clearly not an option as if that is your line of work I’m guessing that your more horse than man.  I mean you can’t really go around staring at other men’s bits in the toilet. Maybe that is why I hate public bathrooms? As I get the uneasy feeling someone is trying to look at my bits? That and really I have had a shy bladder ever since the Flamingo land experience and as such hate to pee in company. I can admit this and my laptop size simply because I am who I am. I have size 12 feet depending where I buy them from, shoes not feet and generally am getting too old and too tired to care about what someone else may think about me unless I can earn money and pay my mortgage from it.

This is all rather embarrassing and somewhat personal so I would appreciate keeping it between you me and Clarkson, ok?