So today (which when you read this will be last week, for clarity) I noticed two very obvious bulges in my pants. Now hold on there this is NOT the way this post is going - please keep on reading. So the bulges in the pants where caused by all the stuff I have in my pockets (in this case jeans - I must differentiate this as Americans get confused by the word pants -  in all of the civilised world pants are the external clothing worn over the legs and bits area. Underpants are the garments worn between first layer and skin around the said bits area -PANTS are not NICKERS). In fact I have got so much stuff I have even started using my rear pockets to hold things temporarily rather than have to root about in my front pockets for things, such as keys.

Let us review the stuff!

So the stuff is:

  • Wallet (big instead of my other wallet which is small but to put this in context my big wallet is < 10 x < 15 < 2 cm and my small one smaller)

  • Card wallet for Uni ID and random selection of diffractometer manufacturer business cards and or engineer business cards

  • Keys for work (keys for all the stupid doors at work - currently 4 big keys, 2 small keys and 2 medium keys - plus bonus bottle opener)

  • Phone

Now to be fair that list does not sound very big and or nor is it very long. BUT WAIT this is all in my front two pockets (and occasional rear pocket - often keys?). And there is a certain set of rules on how the pocket must be used. For example my wallet and card wallet can be in the same pocket as can my keys but my keys can not be with my phone nor can any loose change. My uni card wallet can be with my phone but my money card wallet can not due to size restrictions of having genitalia which means it can but if I move I become a eunuch - which bad for me.

So I look at the bulges and think, hmmm, that is very bad it makes my legs and bits look funny and it also means that when I do sit down I tend to take my phone and uni card wallet out of my pocket and then forget them. And or sit on my keys. To clarify again bits = gentlemen’s vegetables as described by a certain May, James  Daniel.

What can be done to help you?

That is a bloody good question and one in which I have the most obvious answer and that is NOT buy bigger pants and or pockets and or get a man bag.

There is really only this answer: Google must sort out the google wallet. The rest of the world must recognise it and that it become the way to spend money - this removes the need for big and or small money wallets. Pocket 1 partially cleared. Next the University so impressed by the google wallet concept changes all the building infrastructure including electronic door, snailmail doors and photoxeroxscannerprinterOKIA things to use it. By doing so I will no longer need my Uni card wallet and or my keys - that is now three items gone from the list. This leaves the phone, which to be honest once all the other crap is not in my pockets then it is perfect almost as if designed to fit there!

Of course there is one issue and that is the battery life and as @bobbyllew would say RANGE ANXIETY - yes it would be terrible if my phone went flat and I could not unlock and or lock and or exit (via proxy) the building or pay for a method to leave Uni. BUT I have come up with a plan to fix that. I will carry a second phone with me at all times. Now hold on you are saying A SECOND PHONE - BUT what if the second phone also runs flat due to an extended period of G+Tweetdeck. Arrrrrh you see I have thought about that as well so I will carry a spare battery in my pockets at all times also.

Thus I will completely relieve the need for any of the other stuff by keeping two phones and a spare battery with me. See how great a plan that is.

Next week I am going to resolve the issue of having to carry my laptop with me…..or will I….?